Suffering; The Thief That Gives Back

      I was born in 1984. As a child of the 80’s growing up in the USA there are some things that are simply foreign to me. I have no clue what it’s like to live in a war zone or be under the thumb of a Muslim or Communist regime. I’ve never had the experience of worrying about where my next meal is coming from, or being unable to access needed medical care. Not only that, but my generation has seen the greatest advancements in healthcare and technology in the history of the world. In fact, I grew up in the final generation to know life before the internet. 

The truth is, however, that the time and place that I have enjoyed is the historical exception and not the rule. Imagine being born in 1894 as opposed to 1984, less than a hundred years apart. Even in America the life expectancy in 1894 was around 46 years of age (As opposed to 74 in 1984). The infant mortality rate was almost 25% (as opposed to less than ½ of 1% in 1984). Antibiotics weren’t a thing so something as common as the Flu or Strep was often deadly. 

The ones who were fortunate enough to make it to adulthood were faced with an onslaught of successive tragedy. World War I raged from 1914 to 1918. Right on the heels of the war was the Spanish Flu outbreak that killed an estimated 50-100 million people world-wide. Then there was the stock market crash of 29, which decimated the financial system for over a decade until the bombing of pearl Harbor and the second World War that ensued. Due to the close proximity of WWI and WWII there were many men who fought in both (General Patton being among the most notable). They are called “The Greatest Generation” for a reason.

D-Day Invasion, June 6, 1944

Going back even further in time, think about the persecution of our Christian brothers and sisters in ancient Rome or Medieval Europe. Images of being devoured by lions in the Colosseum or burning at the stake instantly come to mind. Sometimes these horrific events seem so far away, but it may shock the reader to learn that every year for the past 100 years there has been an estimated 200,000 people martyred for the sake of Christ somewhere in the world. That’s 200,000 people, every single year, for the past 100 years. One thing is for sure, as Americans we may live in that time, but we don’t live in that world.

ISIS Murdering Egyptian Christians 

Americans have lived in a bubble for so long that it’s hard for us to imagine a life in which suffering is the rule and prosperity the exception. It is because of this blindness of our Western eyes that the very message of Christianity has been tampered with. Instead of Christ coming to save us from our sin, many preaching peddlers such as Joel Osteen have sold a message of being saved from all of our suffering in this life and given all of our hearts desires. We have been taught to believe that a “successful” Christian life is one that avoids suffering, but such a concept is foreign to the Bible and the overwhelming majority of church history. 

We might see suffering as a thief that only takes away that which we hold dear, but such a mentality has actually robbed us of much more. The truth is that suffering is a thief gives back much more than it takes. 

What the Thief Has Stolen. On April 14, 2019, my wife went to bed with a migraine like headache and it has never gone away. She has had that debilitating headache every second of every day since. As of the writing of this article, that makes 1,363 days. Every day she wakes up in pain, suffers through the day, goes to bed in pain, and on her worst nights goes to sleep and dreams about being in pain. She told me that one night she dreamed about someone beating her in the head with a baseball bat and then woke up to her pain. As of late she has developed pain all throughout her body as well.

Leah on an average day 

Instead of giving a detailed memoir of the last 3 ½ years, I will simply give a list of loss, a record of what this thief has stolen from us. Please understand that I’m not complaining. I’m just giving inventory of what’s been stolen so I can set the foundation for what we have been given. 

We have spent thousands of dollars on doctors, specialists and travel. The first 9 months after the headache began we spent four of those months out of state and away from our three children. Not one time during all that effort did Leah ever have an “ah hah” moment where she got some relief.  We ended up moving 2,000 miles away to a drier climate (as the humidity in Alabama made her condition worse). The relief she found lasted less than a year and her condition has now worsened to the worst that its ever been. 

However, in my opinion the worst theft comes in the everyday things that most people ignore. I can’t remember the last time that I was able to ask my wife, “how was your day?”, or “What did you do today?” I already know. She sat on the couch all day with an ice pack on her head and some lidocaine patches on her back. Watching a loved one suffer without being able to help them is humiliating and demoralizing. That’s the worst part, watching her suffer.

On a personal level, the added responsibilities of having a downed spouse get to me sometimes. This past Tuesday is a great microcosm of my life as of late. I spent about three hours on the phone with insurance trying to make them do what they are supposed to do and pay what they are supposed to pay. I then went to my primary doctor in order to try and get rid of this cough that I’ve had for 6 weeks. It was at this time I learned that my blood pressure is sky high and if I can’t get it down I will be put on blood pressure meds at the age of 38. I then walked outside to find out that I had locked my keys in the truck. I walked about a mile and a half to the bus station, rode home to get the spare key and rode the bus back in order to get to my truck. 

I realize that none of these things are “big” but sometimes life feels like death by a thousand needles. At no time could I have asked my wife to deal with insurance, bring me the spare key, take me to my truck, etc. She can’t do it. This is our life. We may not know what it’s like to be in a Roman prison. We have never been chased by hungry lions in the Colosseum, but this much is true, suffering in our life has been the rule rather than the exception for years now. This brings me to the crux of this article. 

What the Thief Has Given. I could certainly mention humility and that would be true. The Lord has brought me down to a mere shell of the high strung, ultra spirited man that I used to be. Trust me, this is a good thing. I needed to be sanded down in this area of my life. I often tell our church in Utah that they are getting a different man then the one that left Alabama.

On Leah's end, she has had to learn to ask for help and to understand that her inability doesn't affect our love for her. She is loved, not because of what she does but because of who she is. Her condition also doesn't determine her value. This has been extremely hard for her (as it would be for any of us).

I could also talk about priorities. When a person (and as a result, a family) is physically limited it will force them to assess the most important things in life because they simply can’t do everything. Before Leah's condition we used to run ourselves ragged in the ministry. We didn’t know how to say “no”. We have often talked about how we were doing a bunch of good things, but they weren’t “God things”. In other words, they might have been noble causes but they weren’t the things that God specifically wanted us to do. 

Believe me when I say that we are thankful for this gift that the thief has given us. If the Lord had not inserted this thorn into our lives I have no doubt that we would have looked back years later with regret at how much we had neglected our kids and each other. Our priorities are very simple now; be faithful to what God has called us to do (pastor GBC and get the gospel out to the Mormons here in Utah), don’t do anything stupid that would stain the name of Christ and raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. That’s it. We are laser focused because this suffering forces us to be. What a gift. 

 I could have mentioned more gifts or spent more time on the others that were mentioned, but if there is one thing that suffering has given us above all else, it is perspective. In fact, I think that a lack of suffering has robbed many American Christians of this very thing. When suffering is the rule rather than the exception it changes everything. Imagine being in a Roman prison awaiting execution as the Apostle Paul was, or being in constant suffering with no available cure. Do you think that the people in this situation are thinking about what they are going to do at work in the morning, how their favorite sports team is doing, or whether the fish are going to be biting this weekend? Absolutely not. They are thinking about home. They are thinking about Heaven. Suffering causes us to lose hope in this life. It causes us to fall out of love with this world. This is what Paul meant when he said, “to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Most Americans would say that to live is gain and to die is gain (depending on how good Heaven really is. It might actually be a lateral move or a step down in the minds of some people). 

Personally, we have lost hope that Leah will ever be cured in this life. That may sound pessimistic, but we have spent the better part of four years being let down by some of the greatest physicians in the world. We have also begged God (and will continue) to remove this thorn, but He has given a clear "No". The Lord can and does heal, but many times it’s His will to give us the grace to endure suffering as opposed to giving us the grace of healing.

Trust me when I say that we think about Heaven every single day. There is a longing within our hearts that is difficult to explain. Every day that we wake up we know that we are one day closer. And it’s more than just getting relief from the pain, we long to see the one who entered into our sin and suffering in order to give us a home in Heaven with Him. We did not choose our suffering, but He chose to suffer for us. And while we still have a lot to learn, I can say that we have learned much of Christ in the fellowship of His suffering, through our suffering. What a gift. 

This didn’t happen overnight. For a long time we were consumed with the thought of getting life “back to normal”. But at some point we had to have a funeral for our ambitions and the way that life is “supposed to be.” This would be a good time for me to say that we live in a dark world. There are a lot of evil people in powerful positions and the future of this nation unsure. It would be a good idea for everyone to take inventory of their lives; to prioritize, be humbled and have a funeral for the things that have no eternal value. 

In closing; last night as I was working on my memoirs I was reminded of something that happened to me as a teenager. It encouraged me and reminded me of this principle of perspective. I would like to share it with the reader now. 

One of my favorite things to do as a teenager was to go deer hunting with my friends. Our favorite place to hunt was on an island in Greene County, surrounded by the Alabama River. What made it even better is that one of my friends, Mike (specifically his parents), had a camp house just a few miles from the boat landing. 

When I was about the age of 17 (around 2001/2002), Mike, his uncle Rice and I decided to go hunting on the island around New Year’s. After an unsuccessful morning hunt we decided to give it another go that evening. I just remember how cold it was that whole week. It had to be near record temps for Alabama in late December. I know that temps never rose above freezing and probably didn’t make it out of the 20’s on the day of the hunt. Mike and I lost our man card when we had to get into the fetal position on the floor of the bass boat as his Uncle drove us down the river in order to get to the island. 

The Alabama River Near Forkland

Rice dropped Mike and me off at our spot before heading to where he would be hunting on the other side of the island. Before he left he said, “boys I’m planning on staying in the stand until dark so it will take me a while to pick you up this evening, but I will come back to get you.” With that he headed down the river and Mike and I went to our separate stands. 

I hadn’t seen a single deer by the time that nightfall ascended so I turned my head lamp on and made my way out of the stand. As I made my way through the swamp on the way back to the river, I somehow got off the beaten path. It’s an easy thing to do because the path wasn’t that clear to begin with and at night everything looks the same. I had a compass, so I knew that I could make my way to the river and then follow it to the pick up location. But I ran into some trouble. The cold weather had caused a thin layer of ice to form on top of the swampy ground. The ice loudly cracked up under my feet with every step. I wasn’t worried about it because it was only a few inches deep. This was no issue due to my rubber boots. However, with one step it went from a few inches to a few feet deep. I fell up to my waist, instantly filling my boots with water. The initial shock of the cold was pretty intense but I kept my head and slowly backed out the same way that I came. Coming up with a plan B, I found a long stick and made sure to test the ground in front of me until I found a path out of there. 

I eventually made my way back to the pick up point on the river bank. Mike was already waiting there. The surge of adrenaline from falling into the water and the long walk back had masked the reality of how cold I really was. But now that I was still I quickly became miserable. The temperatures were also plummeting quickly with the arrival of nightfall. It had to be in the teens at this point.

I sat down on the ground and leaned against a large oak tree, pulling my knees up to my chest. I kept thinking about what Rice had said, “it will take me a while, but I will come and get you.” I kept focusing on the latter part of that statement to keep me encouraged. However, a solid hour must have gone by with no sign of the boat. I was shivering uncontrollably. My feet went from being really cold, to hurting, to numb. I couldn’t feel them at all. To make things even scarier I realized that a layer of ice had now accumulated on my pants and the outside of my boots. Did I mention that it was cold? I was really concerned about frostbite.  

I honestly don’t know how long we waited (I’m guessing around an hour and ½), it felt like an eternity. I began to doubt if Rice was ever going to come. But out of nowhere we saw his spot-light coming around the river bend. It was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen. He picked us up and took us back to the truck. I sat down in the passenger seat of that Dodge diesel, took off my boots and socks and placed my feet directly under the heater vent.  

After they loaded up the boat we headed back to the camp house. After a hot shower, a change of clothes and some hot deer chili I was feeling like a million bucks. The feeling had come back to my legs and feet and all was well. It was as if the whole thing had never happened. I'll never forget the feeling of standing in front of that gas wall heater in a dry set of clothes, eating that hot chili.

I have used this story many times as a sermon illustration. Sometimes we don’t feel like we are going to make it through this cold, dark world. Often we feel that the Lord will never come. But one of these days, seemingly out of nowhere, the Lord is going to take us home whether by death or by His return. We are going to be completely clean and get a change of new clothes. And then we will warm ourselves in the Light of His glory. He will wipe the tears from our eyes and make our troubles as if they had never happened.

The thief of suffering steals from us. It hurts us and at times makes us numb. It's a scary thing when we are in the middle of it. But be encouraged Christian, suffering gives us a whole lot more than it takes if we are willing to receive it. There is no suffering that we can experience that doesn’t first pass through the fingers of God. So ultimately suffering is a gift from God and He knows how to give good gifts to His children.

Philippians 1:29 (KJV) For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake.