What I've Learned Through My Wife's Chronic Pain

Cedar-Sinai, Los Angeles

        On March 19th, 2007, my wife and I found ourselves face to face, reciting our wedding vows to one another. The vows were typical of what one might expect to hear at a wedding. However, there is one line that has now become an everyday mantra for me, the part where I said "in sickness and in health." It really didn't seem like that big of a commitment at the age of 22 when I uttered those words to my 19 year old bride. But that would all change. 

    April the 14th, 2019 was homecoming at the church that I had Pastored for close to seven years at the time. It was a great day. The church service was wonderful. We had a fantastic gospel trio singing for us, and not to mention the fact that the food and fellowship was out of this world. However, during the day my wife Leah developed a headache. So that night she took some Advil and went bed early. We didn't think a whole lot about it. When someone gets a headache, they take some medicine and sleep it off. Who hasn't had to do that at some point in time? Little did we know how this headache would change our lives forever. 

    Over the next few days her headache only intensified. On Friday of that week I took her to the local hospital in our hometown of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. They admitted her and over the next few days treated her for migraines, but to no avail. She was then transferred to UAB in Birmingham. After several days of testing they confirmed that she had a CSF spinal fluid leak, which was causing brain sag. This diagnosis was the beginning of a nine month journey that took us all over the country seeking help.

    Our first stop was Los Angeles, where after several weeks of testing and procedures they were able to seal the CSF leak. However, her pain was the same. The doctor concluded that when her brain was in that sagging position, it had caused a storm in her brain, "migraine brain" he called it. This took us to the Mayo clinic in Florida, where the doctor was unable to help. In January of 2020 he had her transferred to an inpatient head pain clinic in Ann Arbor Michigan. For the next two weeks they threw everything at her headache, but nothing touched it. Four days before we were scheduled to be released, the doctor called us into his office and I'll never forget what he said. He apologetically told us that the CSF leak had caused a secondary condition known as NDPH (New Daily Persistent Headache). He told us that it's incurable and may or may not go away on it's own. He instructed my wife to "think happy thoughts, surround herself with positive people", then he looked at me and said, "and don't ever let her be alone." It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what he meant. We reluctantly packed up our things and left. All of the flights were booked up so we rented a car and began the 900 mile drive to Alabama. That was the longest ride ever.  

    For those who have never experienced chronic pain in a loved one, I'm not sure that I can accurately explain how drastically it affected our lives. My wife went from being super active, to almost completely bed ridden. She went from being with me in church all of the time, to hardly ever being able to get out of the house. She was an involved homeschooling mother to our three children, until it just became too much. I lost count of the times that I was awakened in the middle of the night from her shaking the bed while weeping and writhing in pain. There were many nights that I would get up and rub icy hot on her neck and back, or walk to the deep freezer to get another ice pack for her head. My efforts seemed so petty and powerless to give her the relief that she needed. 

    However, the silver lining that came a few months after the Michigan diagnosis, is that through divine providence we learned that one of her main migraine triggers is the high humidity in the South. The Lord also opened a door for me to Pastor a wonderful church in the mountain desert of Northern Utah where it's much drier. To be clear, even after the move she has never been pain free. But most of the time she stays under the migraine pain level and has been able to be more active than she was in Alabama. Everyday is still a battle, how big the battle is depends on how she is feeling that day. While we know some of her triggers, some days are still a mystery as to why she feels so bad. 

Enjoying the Snow in Salt Lake City 

    My wife has now had a chronic headache (singular) for a year and eight months. I think that this whole situation has changed us more than we even know, and I wanted to briefly share some things that we have learned.  

    God's Grace is Sufficient- It's so much more than a cliché. When you go to bed at night completely maxed out (her from the pain, and me from the added responsibilities), feeling like you literally can't do this another day, and yet the next day you wake up refreshed and ready to face the day, then and only then will you know what sufficient grace means. God's sufficient grace is like the widow's cruise of oil. It never ran out, and it gave them their daily supply without excess. 

    God's People Are The Best- The expenses that we acquired during the nine months of Leah's medical trips were astronomical, more than I make in a year's time as a Pastor. However, God's people gave and gave and gave, when I never asked for a dime. There were total strangers and churches that I have never heard of that sent us money. At one time I know that I had mailed out over a hundred thank you cards and I'm sure that I missed some. Not to mention those that let us stay in their house, or gave us a ride to the airport, or ran errands for us, etc. It's one of the most humbling things that I have experienced and I'll go to my grave being grateful for what those people did for us (I'm literally weeping as I type). We didn't owe anything after it was all said and done. 

    Even Well Meaning People May Not Understand- I used to be harsh in my judgment of certain people and their health conditions. I kind of had the mentality that most people don't get better because they don't want to, or maybe they are a hypochondriac. I sort of felt that same judgment from people whenever they would see Leah on one of her rare outings, or if she took a minute to smile for a picture that went on Facebook. The truth is that when a person has chronic pain that never gets better with rest or medicine, your life begins to take on new meaning and goals. If you are going to hurt all of time anyway, the question then becomes, how can I live my life as normally as possible and not end up dead or in the hospital. I definitely have more compassion for others than I did before this happened. 

    God is Sovereign- Someone once said that we make plans and God laughs, or as Proverbs 16:9 puts it, "A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps." We were content in the place where we had grown up and had built a network of family, friends and business relationships. I was also happy at the church that I was pastoring, less than two miles from the house where I grew up. We had been through a lot together as pastor and church and had built a great relationship. I had even made the statement from the pulpit that if God wanted me to leave, he would have to drag me out kicking and screaming. He evidently took me up on the challenge. In all honesty though, I have learned that God is in control, Romans 8:28 is still true, and I don't want God to change His Holy mind. There is no more comforting truth in the universe than knowing that He is in control of all things.

     My Wife and I Are Both Idolaters- It's not a typo, you read that right. There is a reason that John closed out his first letter with "Little children, keep yourselves from idols." This has been the biggest struggle that my wife and I have had to come to grips with. I don't think that I could've even typed these words a month ago, but the Lord is setting us free of some things. On Leah's end, she has had to lay down the idol of her health. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel good and live a "normal" life, but with it being out of reach it can become all consuming, especially at the age of 33.  She has had to come to the place where everyday she worships God in spite of the pain, instead of the result of miraculous healing. 

    On my end, I've had to lay down the idol of the "perfect marriage" and an ideal life. When I promised both Leah and God that I would love her in sickness and in health, I meant it with all of my heart but I didn't really believe that I would be called to active duty in my 30's. Her head issues have caused me to move my family almost 2,000 miles away from family and friends that I know and love, take up the slack with house work, errands, chores, homeschooling three kids, etc. The truth is that by God's grace I've been able to handle most of it. However, the dark and honest part of that is I haven't always done it with a good attitude. In fact, my attitude has been down right sorry more than I care to admit. It's been more of a duty to God and wife than a joy at times. But the Lord set me free from that and I'm writing now with full joy in knowing that by serving my wife and family, that I am serving Christ. I'm also thankful and blessed to have a wife that is willing to serve God through the pain, and by God's grace I plan to serve Him through the pressure.